it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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