dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i will never coherently bang her
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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