i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
