You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
We got so high we made milksteak
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize