I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
