If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize