Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
