I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize