i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
