My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
