Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize