my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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