I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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