If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
