just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize