Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
