saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
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