every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
