captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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