I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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