I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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