his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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