I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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