If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i would one night stand the shit outta him
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
