Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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