You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm too high and old for this...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
