i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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