I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize