Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
