I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Randomize
