Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
