watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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