I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
