"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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