He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
