I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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