Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
