I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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