matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
When are your genitals available?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
