Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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