he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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