I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
