....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
