Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
