So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
