no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
