listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
