so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
