I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
