Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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