I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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