Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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