It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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