You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
i think i just lost a toe
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
