im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
