After last night, I could never be a politician.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
