Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Farmville is her only friend.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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