im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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