last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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