remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
